Post by Portia
I’m blue. Yes, having a crunchy, grumpy, blue day. Mainly I’m sore, embarrassed and filled with un-named self loathing. The black dog is visiting again. Rude on a sun shiny, warm and perfect autumn day which makes me feel even more depressed because now I’ve added guilt to the mix. Then the spiral worsens because I start getting angry at myself because I am so lucky I have no right to be down. All this happening in my head while coming to full awakeness, already before I even opened my eyes the spiral had begun.
So, I’ve come to the keyboard to tell you what I’m feeling. Sharing, doing something, anything to change my course, halt the spiral, redirect myself. Thanks for being here, if you’re bored already then sorry, go about your day. Even getting to the computer and writing this much has chipped away a little at the thick morass.
Embarrassed and Blue? What Do I Do?
OK, why am I sore? Last night at work I was returning my plates to the restaurant, walking past some diners and the bar. Floating around in drag, doing the right thing of returning my plates so I could thank the chef. My shoe caught on something, maybe carpet or frock or itself. One second I was upright and the next on all fours, the left over food scattered everywhere and people laughing, shocked intakes of breath, staring and talking to me. I was there in that position for about 5 seconds going over my body to see if anything was really hurt and doing a body count. Everything seemed OK except my knees were already starting to throb. Stood up, and looked down, knees out of stockings, looking like I’d been dragged across asphalt and one already bleeding. It was a mess. GAK!
Thank goodness the staff and punters are my mates. We got me sorted, cleaned up as much as possible, disinfected, bandaged etc and I went on and did my nights work of Trivia Hosting. Embarrassing but all OK.
Why am I grumpy? This is not so easy to assess. Maybe I didn’t sleep well because of the pain. Maybe I’m feeling dumb. Maybe I was just due a blue day.
How am I going to react? Well, I got out of bed and cleaned my teeth. Then I came to the computer to write to you all. Already I feel better. Not perfect but better. I have stepped from the abyss. Now I’m going to make an instant coffee with sugar & milk. See you in a moment.
Heya, it’s about 30 minutes later. I made my coffee, went onto the balcony and folded Jin & my washing up, cleaned up my knees and re-applied antiseptic and Band Aids, took my shirt off and sat in the sun to drink my coffee. Coming back into the room I gave myself 6 blasts of my current fragrance addiction Calvin Klein Contradiction.
Parfumo gives these featured accords:
Top: Lily, Lily-of-the-valley, Orchid, Mock-orange, Peony, Rose
Heart: Pear, Blackberry, Eucalyptus, Lilac, Jasmine
Base: Musk, Sandalwood, Tonka bean
Sitting here now in my office, typing in a cloud of Contradiction, and though I am not fully functioning in joyful mode I have derailed the train of depression-spiral and now I’m going to write 10 things I can be grateful for.
- I am grateful for my home. It’s no mansion but it’s comfortable and functional.
- Grateful for food in the fridge, there is even some double cream brie and a few olives. So there’s lunch sorted.
- Super grateful for my friends. The handful of really close ones and the wider stretch of buddies and mates.
- Grateful for my continued good health. Yes, I’ve had a fall but these bones are strong and I’m already healing.
- Grateful I have work. Trivia will never make me a multi millionaire but I enjoy the work, love seeing players every week and having a laugh with them.
- Thankful for my parents who gave me so much and left me educated and self assured.
- Grateful that I have a kettle, coffee, sugar & milk.
- Grateful that I have somewhere to come every day and chat about fragrance, APJ and all of you are a lifesaver. Thank You.
- Grateful for my fragrance collection. Yes, it’s ridiculous. No, I’ll never use even 1/20 of it. Yes, it brings me joy.
- Grateful for Jin.
Righto. I feel like I’m ready to face the day now.
Thanks for coming on the journey with me. If you suffer from depression try these simple tricks, sometimes they work a treat. If your spiral continues, please seek help. Try a friend but should they all be busy or sleeping there are plenty of Help Lines you can call 24/7.
LifeLine Australia 13 11 14
Beyond Blue Australia 1300 22 46 36
My best advice is to take some positive action for yourself. Even cleaning my teeth can help restore my thought pattern and taking this small bit of care of myself can change the colour of my thoughts. This next meme works for you as well as those around you.
Wishing you all healthy minds and bodies,