Embarrassed and Blue? What Do I Do?


Post by Portia


Hey Crew,

I’m blue. Yes, having a crunchy, grumpy, blue day. Mainly I’m sore, embarrassed and filled with un-named self loathing. The black dog is visiting again. Rude on a sun shiny, warm and perfect autumn day which makes me feel even more depressed because now I’ve added guilt to the mix. Then the spiral worsens because I start getting angry at myself because I am so lucky I have no right to be down. All this happening in my head while coming to full awakeness, already before I even opened my eyes the spiral had begun.

Depression Low_pressure_system WikipediajpgWikipedia

So, I’ve come to the keyboard to tell you what I’m feeling. Sharing, doing something, anything to change my course, halt the spiral, redirect myself. Thanks for being here, if you’re bored already then sorry, go about your day. Even getting to the computer and writing this much has chipped away a little at the thick morass.

Embarrassed and Blue? What Do I Do?

OK, why am I sore? Last night at work I was returning my plates to the restaurant, walking past some diners and the bar. Floating around in drag, doing the right thing of returning my plates so I could thank the chef. My shoe caught on something, maybe carpet or frock or itself. One second I was upright and the next on all fours, the left over food scattered everywhere and people laughing, shocked intakes of breath, staring and talking to me. I was there in that position for about 5 seconds going over my body to see if anything was really hurt and doing a body count. Everything seemed OK except my knees were already starting to throb. Stood up, and looked down, knees out of stockings, looking like I’d been dragged across asphalt and one already bleeding. It was a mess. GAK!



Thank goodness the staff and punters are my mates. We got me sorted, cleaned up as much as possible, disinfected, bandaged etc and I went on and did my nights work of Trivia Hosting. Embarrassing but all OK.

Why am I grumpy? This is not so easy to assess. Maybe I didn’t sleep well because of the pain. Maybe I’m feeling dumb. Maybe I was just due a blue day.

How am I going to react? Well, I got out of bed and cleaned my teeth. Then I came to the computer to write to you all. Already I feel better. Not perfect but better. I have stepped from the abyss. Now I’m going to make an instant coffee with sugar & milk. See you in a moment.

Embarrassed and Blue? What Do I Do? red-coffee-cup-mug PexelsPexels

Heya, it’s about 30 minutes later. I made my coffee, went onto the balcony and folded Jin & my washing up, cleaned up my knees and re-applied antiseptic and Band Aids, took my shirt off and sat in the sun to drink my coffee. Coming back into the room I gave myself 6 blasts of my current fragrance addiction Calvin Klein Contradiction.


Contradiction Calvin Klein FragranticaFragrantica

Parfumo gives these featured accords:
Top: Lily, Lily-of-the-valley, Orchid, Mock-orange, Peony, Rose
Heart: Pear, Blackberry, Eucalyptus, Lilac, Jasmine
Base: Musk, Sandalwood, Tonka bean

Sitting here now in my office, typing in a cloud of Contradiction, and though I am not fully functioning in joyful mode I have derailed the train of depression-spiral and now I’m going to write 10 things I can be grateful for.

  1. I am grateful for my home. It’s no mansion but it’s comfortable and functional.
  2. Grateful for food in the fridge, there is even some double cream brie and a few olives. So there’s lunch sorted.
  3. Super grateful for my friends. The handful of really close ones and the wider stretch of buddies and mates.
  4. Grateful for my continued good health. Yes, I’ve had a fall but these bones are strong and I’m already healing.
  5. Grateful I have work. Trivia will never make me a multi millionaire but I enjoy the work, love seeing players every week and having a laugh with them.
  6. Thankful for my parents who gave me so much and left me educated and self assured.
  7. Grateful that I have a kettle, coffee, sugar & milk.
  8. Grateful that I have somewhere to come every day and chat about fragrance, APJ and all of you are a lifesaver. Thank You.
  9. Grateful for my fragrance collection. Yes, it’s ridiculous. No, I’ll never use even 1/20 of it. Yes, it brings me joy.
  10. Grateful for Jin.


Righto. I feel like I’m ready to face the day now.
Thanks for coming on the journey with me. If you suffer from depression try these simple tricks, sometimes they work a treat. If your spiral continues, please seek help. Try a friend but should they all be busy or sleeping there are plenty of Help Lines you can call 24/7.

LifeLine Australia 13 11 14

Beyond Blue Australia 1300 22 46 36

My best advice is to take some positive action for yourself. Even cleaning my teeth can help restore my thought pattern and taking this small bit of care of myself can change the colour of my thoughts. This next meme works for you as well as those around you.

Depression Dalai Lama

Wishing you all healthy minds and bodies,
Portia xxx

80 comments on “Embarrassed and Blue? What Do I Do?

  1. Sandra says:

    Take good care of yourself. I love your list of gratefuls – Inspiring. Sending you loads of hugs. Sandra xo

  2. Francesca Belanger says:

    Depression is the worst. Don’t kick yourself about it. I had such a trial convincing my otherwise sensitive husband about this. I’m not being a pissy bitch, I’m fucking depressed. Clinically!

  3. JanLast says:

    There are those days when I have to tell myself “get over it”. My life is not perfect, but only I can determine how my day will go. You have obviously done exactly that, so you are a super hero this morning. Good on you!

  4. Bernadette Winfield-Gray says:

    Oh Portia, how lucky am I to have discovered APJ and You! Even with good reason to feel underwhelmed you share and try to help others. What a gem! And how much trivia must you know by now? I envy you that particular superpower. A fall is the worst and in public even more horrid. The self recrimination and loss of confidence after a fall are vile, not to mention having the body Hurt, because a teeny little inside yourself voice says “You idiot!” Squash that voice. Did any punters try to help you? Generally I have found that when flat footed me goes A over T that folks rush to help. Even in Boston. Heal well. I love your spritz choice: Contradiction indeed!

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Hi there Bernadette Winfield-Gray,
      You’re sweet.
      Half were laughing and half were in total shock. It was one of those god awful moments. As I was picking myself up people suddenly realised I was in earnest and came to help.
      Yes, it’s hard not to replay it all and cringe. I’ve been diverting those feelings.
      All cool and my knees are already scabbed and healing. Survivor here.
      Much better this evening.
      Portia xx

  5. Holly says:

    Hi sweetheart! My goodness, that was quite a tumble you took! I’m glad your sweet old knees are healing up, and hope that the mood is on the mend as well.
    Thank you for being here, and for sharing the ups and downs with us. Sending you a big fat hug and much love,

    Holly xo

  6. Tara says:

    Big virtual hug for your Portia, my beautiful friend.

    Falling in public can really shake you up, emotionally as well as physically. Feel better very soon.
    Tara recently posted…My Favourite Bottled Lavender – Kiki Extrait de Parfum by Vero ProfumoMy Profile

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Any hug from Tara is a good hug.
      Thanks for being my buddy, we love you so much.
      Portia xx

  7. Jackie b says:

    I cannot begin to imagine how much courage you would need to deal with depression, you are so brave.
    Falling over is ghastly…I remember a choreographer telling me I was the clumsiest dancer he had ever met because I kept slipping over onstage. Looking up someone’s tutu is never pretty!

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Always lovely to see you here at APJ.
      Falling over is absolutely ghastly. HA! I used to fall in ballet too, No tutu in sight.
      We are a pair.
      Portia xx

  8. Elizabeth says:

    So sorry for your fall! Strangely enough I took a tumble in a restaurant just last week (water spilled on a slick floor was my downfall – literally!) so I can definitely sympathize with your shock and embarrassment. Hope your cuts and bruises heal quickly.
    Thanks for your bravery and frank talk about depression. We need to talk about it more and continue educating people. Sending a big hug and healing thoughts your way.

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Hi Elizabeth,
      It’s bloody frightening as you go down isn’t it. Getting up is sheer embarrassment.
      Are you OK? Did you hurt yourself?
      Portia xx

  9. fleurdelys says:

    Oh yes, I’ve been there myself, too many times to count! You took the wise first step, and that is self-care. Second wise step: sharing your feelings with friends instead of burying them (the feelings, not the friends! :-D). I’m sending you warmest wishes that you feel better soon, physically and emotionally.

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Kiya Fleurdelys,
      Warmest wishes accepted gratefully. Always lovely to see you.
      Portia xx

  10. Jillie says:

    Big hugs, lovely Portia.

  11. Solanace says:

    Hey Portia,

    Sending you a big hug and all sorts of good vibes accross the oceans. Thank you for being there. Love your voice! Take care, honey.
    (BTW, I terribly broke my foot at the political demonstration. Resting is so boring, and I’ll surely gain weight. So you have my deepest sympathies, in the most literal sense.)

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Oh No Solace,
      That’s a complete shit. Heal. Get Well. Know you are loved and cherished by me.
      Resting is a pain in the ass.
      Portia xxx

  12. Musette says:

    Feeling guilty about depression is like feeling guilty for having curly hair (or whatever – you get the idea). Or flat feet (there. is that one better?) It is what it is.

    What I love about you is that you acknowledge all that, then you do what you can to mitigate the depression. Mine manifests as anxiety, so once I identify it (sometimes it comes on so hard that folks can’t figure out What Just Fucking HAPPENED!?) I make a list of Things I Can Do To Mitigate It. Usually involves cleaning, trying to make some order, at least on the outside. Some deep breathing (after – breathing don’t help a THANG if I haven’t vacuumed or put in a laundry load! LOL!) Then I clean up my desk. Usually that helps.

    You will be fine – you are loved, you are loving, you are loved. The Black Dog don’t own a bitch, right? He just comes to track mud across your kitchen floor every now and again, right? RIGHT!!


    ps. that looks like it hurt like KNIVES, btw – no wonder you are kinda blue. Pain HURTS!

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Hey Musette, What would I do without you. We say depression is like the weather, you can’t do anything to change it but can dress appropriately and get as much done as you can anyway.
      Yeah, it hurt. Getting better inside & out.
      Hugging you.
      Portia xxx

  13. Tom says:

    As you know, I took a rumple recently. Not so public (it was on the street, but it was early) but yes, embarrassing nonetheless. I think the worst of it (along with the shock of seeing your own blood) is the hammer-blow realization that you aren’t in control after all, that you’re mortal and subject to the vagaries of getting older. I even started looking at those “I’ve fallen down and I can’t get up!!” Commercials in a new light.

    I think also that people sometimes don’t realize that even the strongest seeming person needs a little support sometimes, if even just a silently handed cup of cocoa.

    But I think you’re handling it the best way. Chin up, look at the positive, and reapply..

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Yes, it’s weird how falling affects your self esteem and your self judgement.
      Control. Yes, we can but try.
      Love you buddy.
      Portia xx

  14. Azar says:

    Hey Portia,
    Everything can be going along just fine and then – suddenly – BAM – your down! Shocking to every system! That being said, today I am GRATEFUL that you are OK and that your blues are on the way out. You are handling it all so very well, in your inimitable fashion!
    Azar xxx

  15. Hey Portia I know you’re probably feeling a bit better now but a tumble sucks. Anyway the list of things to be grateful for is really inspiring. I often make these lists (well mentally anyway) and always feel better afterwards. Virtual hugs from France.
    meganinsaintemaxime recently posted…Life In France : Happy May Day : Muguet / Lily Of The Valley PerfumesMy Profile

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Virtual hugs back from Oz.
      Thanks for stopping by, it’s always a treat to see you here. It’s posh when hot bloggers drop in.
      Portia xx

  16. Fifi says:

    Big hugs, Portia! Too many of us are acquainted with the Black Dog. Good on you, facing it down. Ugh, the knee looks sooo painful! Remember that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie is walking the runway at a big fashion show and falls on her face in front of Heidi Klum? And what did she do? Same as you, picked herself up and went on with the show. Remember, YOU are Sillage! xoxo and aloha,

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Hey Fifi,
      Black Dog hits everyone at some time. I think it’s the balance for how good our lives are in so many other ways.
      He He he! Yes, Carrie was inspiration personified.
      HA HA HA I AM sillage! Sometimes I forget.
      Thank you.

      • Fifi says:

        I just watched that episode in your honor. At least when you went down, your friends didn’t scream “Oh my God, she’s fashion roadkill!”

      • australianperfumejunkies says:

        Ha Ha Ha!

  17. TheAsceticLibertine says:

    Thinking of you, love. Glad you’re feeling slightly better. I also always do the “gratitude countdown” whenever the Black Dog/Mean Reds/Sads appear. Big hugs. Hope the knee is all healed up soon. xo

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Thank You TheAsceticLibertine.
      Gratitude seems to be a really good weapon. It’s like super coating yourself.
      Hugging you back.
      Portia xxx

  18. Robert H. says:

    Where’s my 22? I’m gonna’ shoot that damn black dog! Falling is a bitch, no doubt about it, but it always amazes me how people around you can spring into action so fast. As my mother used to say…”Remember darling, your 5 minutes of utter mortification, is only someone elses 2 seconds of passing mild interest.”

    Hey you got out of bed, had coffee, did some folding, spritzed, and now you’re sorted. Those are huge steps! We (the known and unknown interweb) have your back! Damn heels! Hugs and kisses! ?????

  19. Tara C says:

    Ow, what a shocker that must have been! Things like that really shake you up. Sending fragrant hugs – I am sitting in a delicious cloud of Jolie Madame I am happy to share.

  20. tammy says:

    Sending much love to you…you bless so many of us with your sharing and humor and positive energy. I’m so sorry you were hurt! I’ve fallen so much in public I don’t get bothered by it anymore. (Chronic vertigo!) I’m glad people we able to help you!

    Please do not ever feel guilty about your depression; one can’t help how one feels. I reckon you are still feeling the loss of your gorgeous pup, too. You’re so brave and brilliant to try and climb up out of it, and help others as you do so.

    If there’s anything at all I could help ith, please let me know!

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Hey Tammy,
      Chronic Vertigo. That must be a doozie.
      Take care, good luck with the falling. Have you learned how to do it without hurting yourself? Usually I can remember my youthful training in gymnastics and acting but this was super quick and I forgot all the twist & roll with it.
      Portia xx

  21. poodle says:

    Oh dear! Sorry to hear about that fall. I’m sure you still have the sexiest legs in Australia. Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse, the injuries or the embarrassment.
    We all have blue days and the best thing you can do is battle through them and know that things will get better. You’re stronger than you know.

  22. cookie queen says:

    You might use more than 1/20 of your perfumes if you opened them.

  23. Neva says:

    Oh Portia, it’s so great to have you and your stories around almost every day. No matter what it is, it brings us closer and we get to know and appreciate each other better. First I was wondering where your story is headed to but when I realized you were hurt and feel so bad about the circumstances I was waiting for the lifesaving perfume to enter…and there it was, finally 🙂 The next thing I was waiting for was for you to mention that you were grateful for Jin’s presence in your life and then finally you said it! Pffff, was I relieved… Life is all about our attitude and I’m glad you know how to handle it right. Stay happy, strong and grateful!

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Hey Neva,
      Perfume is a life saver and Jin, yes, save the best for last.
      Portia xx

  24. pats133 says:

    Dear Portia, i love the fact that your blog is so diverse. Its not just perfume, its Portia and life and stuff. Its therapeutic to put down in words what you are feeling and see it in black and white. You fell, you got up, you carried on – and you do it so well. 🙂 I believe that life has its darker moments to offset the fantastic times we have. Balance in a way. Take care, and thanks for sharing!

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      100% behind you on the balance. What goes up must come down.
      Thanks for dropping by and commenting. We love having you in the family.
      Portia xx

  25. Lucy says:

    Take it easy on yourself dear one. That kind of body slam is a shock to the nervous system, believe me I know. It takes some recuperation just from that loss of balance and strong hit into the unyielding floor. Glad you didn’t crack anything! Glad you have some nice people right nearby to help you get yourself together and can recover at home with a little peace. Glad you have some uplifting perfume. Music is a great help at times like this too. I find that you really do have to look out for the shoes, especially the soles, some just hydroplane on shiny surfaces especially if there is the slightest hight of moisture anywhere. You might want to get to the shoemaker and have them put on some cleats or half soles that give more traction. Leather bottomed soles are not going to work in many situations. xoxox

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Hey Lucy,
      Yes, it does jolt you into a new reality. I’ll try to be more careful.
      Yes, leather soles can definitely be an adventure in slippage, thanks, great advice.
      Portia xx

  26. moira says:

    Those days when I only want to stay on the couch, in my fuzzy bathrobe, and watch my entire CD collection of Sex And The City (again) are the days when it is hardest to count my blessings. But you’re right…gratitude is a monster slayer. hugs

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Hey Moira,
      Sex In The City, LIFESAVING stuff. I came really late to the series, having seen only a couple of the episodes while they were on TV. Jin sat me down & made me watch them with him. Aren’t those girls hilarious, and real.
      Hugs right back.
      Portia xx

  27. Laura K says:

    No graceful way to say it. Depression sucks! Give yourself some gold stars for having the courage to put it out there (here) which is extremely difficult to do with depression. I think you have an awesome attitude – you’re a person who emits real kindness and positivity through text even. And you smell great. I’m glad you didn’t break anything. =)

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Hi there LauraK,
      Thank you.
      Oh yes, breaking something would have been a bummer. Though I spent quite a bit of my childhood in the hospital having breaks, burns, bites and general cuts & bruises seen to. Not so much clumsy as fearless back then. He he he.
      Bit slower nowadays.
      Portia xx

  28. RuthF says:

    Great advice, thank goodness for coffee, perfume and APJ! xxxxx

  29. Tonia says:

    Big virtual hugs to you my friend. Getting through those dog days are exhausting, but you can and you do and we all love you more for it. Every bit of you is amazing and I’m grateful you share it all with us. I know who I will be thinking of whenever those days rear their heads to me. YOU. Thank you. Happy healing vibes to you and your knee! X

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Love you Tonia,
      Your fragrance range is incredibly helpful for my dog days too. I love a little blue or orange spritz when I’m down.
      Portia xxx

  30. Sun Mi says:

    Best wishes for a speedy recovery – physically and emotionally. I’ve had my bouts with depression as well and I applaud you for brushing your teeth. 🙂 My teeth got the worst of it sometimes!

  31. Pip Byrne says:

    The embarrassment is worse than the pain! It’ll pass though and you’ll look back on it and laugh one day, trust me! It’ll be a good dinner party story and always sounds better in hindsight with a bit of embellishment. The Black Dog is the worst. Your blog will be helping with how you handle it. Well done! Just a heads-up. Neem oil is the best thing to have on hand for all sorts of infections, cuts and abrasions, burns – Hell, it even got rid of my kid’s threadworm (sorry had to be said).
    Pip Byrne recently posted…2000 Posts GIVEAWAY WINNERMy Profile

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      WOW Pip,
      Thanks for the advice. i’ll get some.
      The story has already been told, laughter is balm.
      Portia xx

  32. Undina says:

    My dear Portia,

    I’m sending all the warmest thoughts your way. Take care of yourself, please, and take all the help you can – from loved ones, friends, co-workers and your perfumes.

    <3 <3 <3
    Undina recently posted…Dab, Spray or Roll-on?My Profile

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      A note from you Undina is an excellent way to light my day.
      Taking care.
      Sniffing, living and loving today. Knee only slightly stiff so healing up nicely, back to 90% and enjoying life again.
      Portia xx

  33. FeralJasmine says:

    Ah sweetie, wishing all the best for you. Messaged you on Facebook because I was thinking about you just tonight.
    FeralJasmine recently posted…Garlic LeavesMy Profile

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Got your message. Good Luck with your own stuff.
      We miss you here at APJ.
      Be well.
      Portia xx

  34. Anna Maria says:

    Omg love you Portia! Sorry that you fell, and feeling down. Love your list, and the best Jin at no 10. You are helping others by sharing Portia and your positivity is infectious. You are Beautiful..

  35. empliau says:

    Dearest Portia, I love nearly all dogs – but the Black Dog (so reminds me of Treasure Island) can go take a flying jump. We are struggling with a similar situation, and you are lovely to share your experience – sometimes hope is hard to find. I feel for your knees, since I fall on a regular basis. Heal, be good to yourself, and know that we love you. xoxo

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Hey empliau,
      Love returned with extra smooches.
      Black Dog is shit but you are wonderful.
      Portia xxx

  36. maggiecat says:

    I had such a day yesterday -I find jasmine helps (incense, perfume, etc.) as well as the counting of the blessings and the short whine to loved ones. All is good today and I hope it is for you as well.

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Isn’t it interesting MaggieCat how one day blue, next day doing better, day three as if no blip had occurred.
      Glad to read you are through your blue cycle too.
      Portia xx

  37. Tim says:

    Oh no gorgeous.
    Sorry for your fall and apology for my late response.

    My continuing work situation still gets the better of me so I have some idea how you felt. If it helps please just text me and I will try and be available. I also understand that you might just want to hide and be alone.

    Take care gorgeous.
    XXX… T

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      Hey Tim,
      Thank You.
      Not so serious that I need to hide but catching up would be lovely. We will soon.
      Portia xx

  38. lena says:

    Sending lots of love, Portia. The fact that you have strategies to manage days like this is an achievement and something for you to be proud of in and of itself. Even if those strategies don’t always work how you hoped they would. Because depression is a bloody effing so-and-so that is ever so sneaky and manipulative. Thank you for telling us about it; you’re a real inspiration.

    • australianperfumejunkies says:

      You describe depression beautifully. Luckily mine is really low level, not to diminish it, and these strategies do work mostly. I have more lists in case of need.
      Hugging you.
      Portia xx

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