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Post by Portia
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WARNING: TRAGIC UN FRAG RELATED SOPPINESS AHEAD
Hey APJ,
Since 2005 I have had 2 best friends. Kath that you know and one you probably don’t know so much about.
Let me give you some history to help you understand. Both my parents died quite early, both age 64 years 10 months, 11 years apart and we were late life children for them. Once they were gone my sister became a Jehovah’s Witness and a gay, drag queen brother does not fit into that life in any way. I do have cousins but most live at far corners of the country and others have become unavailable for a variety of reasons.
When Mum died two families stepped up to heal the wounds and especially my BFF Kath. It’s amazing how love can heal the breach caused by heartache. During this time I was also conducting an on again off again 10 year relationship with a subcontinental Indian man, 2+ years with him here in Sydney and 8 more with him in India.
At the time NSW greyhound rehomers had a problem with putting greyhounds in apartments, I still don’t understand why because they are the perfect apartment dogs. Having done my research though and knowing that it was perfectly feasible I looked further afield. There were 3 that I had my eye on but at the start of January a woman in Perth who I had been in contact with about another dog asked if I would take a young fawn bitch who was due to be killed the next day. She had fallen in love with this beautiful, placid, ex Grand Champion and did not want to see her killed. The die was cast.
On the same day that my mother died, a few years later, another skinny blonde bitch came into my life. Gucci, the retired racing greyhound (racing name Diamond Starlight). She could have been the doggy reincarnation of my mother, smart, beautiful, willfull, naughty, funny and full of boundless energy, affection and unconditional love. Gucci was also the perfect size to curl up with on the couch. She arrived in a crate off an airplane, the moment I locked eyes with her I was lost. She was, and is, the most elegant of her line. Regal, arrogant, self assured and the ultimate Egyptian and Art Deco accessory that any drag queen could hope to be owned by.
I’m not saying it was easy. It was NOT. There was a battle of wills of titanic proportions. She would show her displeasure at my non attendance by destroying things. One morning I came into the lounge to find she had disemboweled a 25 year old King Furniture leather couch that had been my mothers pride & joy, not to mention the most comfortable crash site ever. Coming home from work one morning to find that she had shredded one of my most gorgeous gowns and had pulled off every diamante before tearing it apart. Stairs were a nightmare because she’d never seen them and getting her to sit took nearly two months (every foster dog we’ve had since learns stairs & sit in a week because she shows them how). I had to put empty tin cans tied together on the kitchen bench so when she jumped up the noise of them falling would scare the shit out of her, to the point where she now needs to be invited to walk on tiles. There were times we both despaired.
98% of the time though she was perfect. The very best things a companion can be. Everything you’ve heard, read or lived about dogs that is wonderful, it was describing Gucci.
Now though she is old. Can’t walk as well, trouble seeing, breathing is becoming impossible when she is excited, has gone off her food. You can’t tell by looking but she is ready to go, this life has become a burden for her.
Next Wednesday, at 10am, 11 years to the day since this incredible, magical, wonderful love of my life, the bright eyed, eager, loving and charming girl that has shown me so much about love, acceptance, sharing and fun has to be put down. I cannot tel you what an ocean of pain this gives me. Writing this farewell has taken nearly a box of tissues and I am ugly crying like Toni Collette in Muriel’s Wedding. Snot, dribble, can’t even breathe crying, crying like a lost and wounded child. The call to the vet took nearly 10 minutes because I could not get the words out.
This is what I wrote after making that call. Yes, so over the top and ridiculously dramatic but fuck it, I am dramatic. It’s in the blood.
I am laid waste, desolate and barren but for pain, searing agony of terror
alone
Breathing is impossible
How will I even
Ever
Wretched. I am undone
How can
Heart is breaking. Mind is numb.
FOG
Thank you for the unrelenting love and fun and craziness and running and cuddles and
thank you, my love
everything’s easier with you on my side and when you had my back I ruled the world
thank you
Thank you forever.
Portia
Australian Perfume Junkies 
Oh geez Portia – I am so sorry that you are going through hell. It is one of the toughest decisions that we as pet guardians have to make. You had a wonderful time together and now you know your time is at an end. I feel your pain and loss and can only send you lots of love. Lots of cuddles and kisses should be shared now and know that you have also been a great companion to her. Lots of love, Sandra
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Thanks Sandra,
She has been heaven.
Portia xx
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What an achingly beautiful and raw tribute to your girl, Portia.
I’m so sorry I’ve been full of excitement about Venice and all the while your heart has been breaking. Please know I’m here you.
Massive hug,
T xxx
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Hey Tara,
You are the best of diversions.
Venice!! It’s impossible to stay calm when I think about it. What a city! It’s going to adore you.
Portia xx
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Nooo, my big hearted friend, I am weeping here for your pain.
Gucci was lucky to own you! We are lucky that we can help them when the time comes.
Hugs xxx
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Sorry JackieB,
We were lucky to have 11 years. It was an excellent 11 years and I feel blessed.
I wish we could help the humans we love when they can’t manage anymore too. It would be a kindness.
Portia xx
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Out came the Kleenex. Ah, Portia darling, I can’t take your pain away – although I would if I could! Some things can’t be borne or overcome – only endured. Knowing you, you likely spoiled Gucci rotten with love and gave her the very best life a dog could ever have – and who gave it all back in Imperial pints and gallons. Monumental hugs. Lots of them! ❤ xoxoxo
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Thanks Sheila,
Right on every count as usual.
Thanks for dropping in and sending love.
Portia xx
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Dear Portia it’s devastating to lose such an angel. Their lives are so short. Tho better to be there for them at the end than have to leave them first. Those photos are wonderful, glad you have them. Feeling for you and thinking of you. Greyhounds are true lovers and family and all have that aware and open animal soul that lets you bond like no other. Then her astonishing beauty to the very end on top of her loving nature. So sorry for your loss. Dearest Gucci.
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Oh Lucy,
You know it. all of it.
She’s ready. I must be too.
Portia xx
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What a beautiful tribute to a wonderful pup! Portia, no need to apologize.
May the wonderful memories give you some comfort. You love her so. May the last days of her life with you be blessed.
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Thanks Sonia,
We are doing our best for her. Even more spoiling. She’s currently on the couch playing computer games with Jin and happily relaxed.
Portia xx
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Yes it is sad but you are honouring her by helping her cross over. It’s the noble thing to do. When the same thing happened with Morris I told him everyday what was happening and that I was very happy and excited for him. It then became much easier. Best wishes xoxoxo
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Suzanne,
You have nailed it. I will explain tomorrow, she’ll get it.
Portia xx
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I’m so sorry to hear that, Portia. You are both lucky to have owned each other and this is such a beautiful tribute to dear Gucci. I’ll make sure to wear my Gucci No 3 this coming Wednesday.
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OMG! Genius! I will wear Gucci No 3 too!
Thanks BB Mc
Portia xx
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Oh Portia, now you have made a ‘cat person’ cry! What a beautiful heart-felt tribute. How lucky was Gucci to find yo?. Animals can bring out the best in humans their unconditional love being a safe place to express our love. What a wonderful parent you are. Hugs.
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Hi Bernadette Winfield-Gray,
We were very lucky to find each other. In 1000 ways. It’s been wonderful.
Portia x
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Dearest Portia,
Thank you for being Rescued by Gucci, she certainly is a beautiful Lady.
I will be thinking of you both, it’s so damn hard to lose a furry member of your family.
I know Gucci has had the BESTEST life Ever. Sending huge Huggages.
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You better believe she rescued me Tami, many times.
Portia xx
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Dear Portia, I’m crying too, with a snotty nose thinking about you and beautiful Gucci. That old human condition that we call love is being sent to you as i type but it is nothing compared to the unconditional love you and Gucci share. I made the same decision for my cat a few years ago, and it was the hardest thing i have EVER had to do, so i empathise completely. I will make a conscious decision to hold you in my thoughts on Wednesday. Love to you and beautiful Gucci. ((hugs)). Patsi x
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Patsi, Thank you.
It’s a big burden being given complete care of a being, one that cannot fend for itself. Boy has it taught me stuff. Every time I think of someone or thing before myself, every time I ……. so many things to thank her for.
Portia xx
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Portia, I am so, so sorry. I had two greyhounds in my life and Katie looked just like Gucci. They are great dogs. Having lost numerous pets in my life, I know the heartache you’re going through. I wish I could make it easier for you. If you can, try to think of all the happiness she had in her life because you adopted her and saved her life. Her life was so much better because she shared it with you. Both of you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Kandice,
All the good is here. I know it. We will be OK, both Gucci and I. Making the call was hard, now we are spoiling her.
Thank you.
Portia xx
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I read about your dog’s death on Lucy’s Facebook. My St Bernard Petunia died Tuesday – suddenly. Two dogs couldn’t be less physically alike but I felt every word you wrote — especially at the end. I don’t know when I will quit crying. Thanks for the beautiful words.
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Deana,
I am so sorry Petunia died. What a shock. It’s an attachment like no other, that with your pet. Somehow it seems purer.
Good luck with your heartache.
Hugging you from here.
Portia xx
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Thanks for the good cry. I’ve lost four special furry family members in the last three years, one with no warning. Nobody will ever replace Gucci for you, but she’ll see that someone special is sent to fill the empty place when she thinks the time is right. I’m fully convinced that they get to choose a new soul to look after their loved ones. Thanks for being brave and letting her go when she needs to. (((Hugs)))
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Hey MikasMinion,
You are tough. Bloody hell. How can you do this more than once a decade. I’d be ratshit.
Thank you.
Portia xx
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I’m so sorry for this heartbreaking time. I wish there were words that would take the pain away. Remember that you gave Gucci the best life possible and loved her with your whole heart. This last thing you do is because you love her. I send you a hundred hugs. ~Ruth
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Ruth,
One hug from you could heal the world. One hundred, I am awash.
Thank you.
Portia xx
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Your Gucci is beautiful. Eight years ago – my dear little gentleman was 17, with kidneys failing, and it was time. He’s still often in my dreams. And sometimes I think I hear him, in the morning, jumping from my bed. Who knows, perhaps I do. No other words Portia, but feeling with you.
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Kes,
Thank you.
Of course you hear echoes of him. I will hear Gucci’s too.
Portia xx
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Oh sweetheart, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you so much for this post and introducing us to Gucci. What a beauty she is – her spirit shines bright from her eyes. I’m listening to Rihanna’s Diamonds as I write this and the tears are flowing.
How very lucky you have both been to find each other and I’m so sorry that your time together is coming to an end. Sending you much love and many, many hugs.
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Hey Holly,
Diamonds is SO her. Gucci is VERY full of self worth, knows her own mind and though she’s quiet will try anything to get her way.
Yes, we are the lucky ones.
Thanks for writing, it’s always nice to see you.
Portia xx
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I’m so sorry, Portia darling. Gucci was very beautiful, and I loved learning more about her from this post.It’s hard to lose any beloved pet, but when they’re this special…well, you just never get over it.
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Hey Francesca,
There’s been a bunch of water works here but now the call has been made we are getting on with making sure Gucci’s last days are comfortable and happy.
Very short and slow walks to smell the graveyard/park across the road, roast chicken, cat food and eggs. A bed on the couch and us to cuddle.
Thanks for dropping in. It’s totally sad but with friends to support my good humour and all those happy memories it’s OK.
Portia xx
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Gucci! ???
I do believe a messy cry helps me feel better too. The image of Toni Collette in Muriel’s Wedding is perfect. You were both so lucky to find and look after each other. I am so glad to have known her too! Not only am I wearing all the Gucci’s this week, I am listening to The Carpenters and Adele for added catharsis. The strength and love you show to be able to let her go is inspiring. My love and thoughts are with you all. Back to blubbering now, kthxbye X
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Scott,
It’s Yesterday Once More, Rainy Days & Mondays. Rolling In The Deep, Hello. Shit!
It’s Marial.
Portia xxx
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Dear Portia, I am so sorry for your pain – and so glad that you gave Gucci eleven spoiled, happy years. She is an elegant and amazing looking dog. When the dog I grew up with went to sleep I cried for three days. They are the most understanding companions and their love is unconditional. In return for love we get this terrible responsibility. Hugs to you and Jin for these last few days of cherishing your Gucci, and for the days after as well. xoxo Molly
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Hey empliau,
Thanks.
Sorry about your dog while you were growing up. It’s hard.
11 years is a LONG time for a greyhound. we were lucky.
Portia xx
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I am so sorry, Portia!
I have had a dog or two or three in my life every single day for 42 years. This is the most difficult part, sooo much harder than shredded gowns or furniture or doggy incontinence. The decision is always difficult and heartbreaking. Every time I have had to make it I have always wondered if it was the RIGHT time. But, taking a lesson from our best friends, all we can do is follow our instincts. Our love knows what is best. You and Gucci were fated to be together and so lucky to have found each other!
Azar xxxx
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Hey Azar,
Yes, it’s pretty shit.
Jin has asked that we have a year to grieve and heal. I think it’s a good idea.
HA! All that stuff, even when it was happening if you’d offered me to go back and have those things or the dog Gucci would have won every time.
It’s true, I feel lucky. Even in this hole. 11 years with Gucci and surrounded by a world full of love.
Portia x
Portia xx
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I am deeply deeply sorry for your loss. I have been there also.
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Thanks Maya,
Lovely to see you.
Portia xx
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So sorry, but know that you saved that dog & gave Gucci a beautiful life. I’m sure that the pain of losing her was worth the joy she brought you for so many years.
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Absolutely Edward G,
I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
Portia xx
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Oh, I am so sorry. It is one of the hardest yet most sacred decisions a human companion has to make. Those of us who have animal companions in our lives know what you are going through. Know that you have given her years of a wonderful life filled with love. My vet’s receipt always lists this as “final kindness”. I’ll be sending healing thoughts to you.
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JulieF,
I did not know that. WOW! What a beautiful final word.
Portia xx
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Oh P.
I can’t tell you how sorry I am. It is our lot in (human) life to have to go thru this tragedy. Sometimes again and again. And yet…and yet…. The boundless joy and chest-bursting happiness our furry children bring us is so overwhelming it just feels too big to be contained! What a fabulous life she led, that you provided!! I ADORE that picture of the two of you in bed, you asleep and her with that “what unthinkable madness can I get into NOW??” look on her face!
But we do it again and again, because the unbridled love, joy, and total contentment they bring into our lives is truly unmeasurable/off the charts. She will be at peace you get to feel as if your heart will never heal. And then one day another dog comes into your life and all is right with the world! But Gucci will never be forgotten. Ever. God bless, darling….and know we’re with you every step of the way…..
Much love, Robert
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RobertH,
I love you.
Thanks,
Portia x
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I am so sorry for your pain gorgeous.
You are lucky to have enriched each other’s lives and I am sure you will make the remaining days count. Make the most of it.
I had lost two cockatiels without warning and I wish I had the chance to say goodbye.
Thank you for sharing the beautiful story of you and Gucci with us.
Take care gorgeous and please let me know if there is anything I can do.
XXX… T
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Thanks Tim,
I had Cockatiels too. Aren’t they heaven?
Portia xx
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It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
I’m pretty sure that was written about a dog. We all know when we bring home a furry friend that someday the day will come to say goodbye. You gave each other years of happiness and making this decision, though hard, is a loving and unselfish one. I went through this not that long ago and I’m taking care of another with cancer who could take a turn for the worst anytime so I know just how awful you feel. I still cry when I think of Greta. Grieve as long and as much as you need to. When the time is right for another special pup you’ll know. You’ve given Gucci years of love and she’s a lucky girl to have had you.
Xoxo
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Yes Poodle,
All true.
Of course you remember Greta, you’re still grieving.
Portia xx
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Close your eyes, breathe deeply and feel the love…
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Done.
Thanks Ella.
Portia xx
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I am so sorry Portia, I understand what you’re going through. I hope you take comfort in the knowledge that you gave her the best possible life, one filled with Love and Companionship. You rescued her from an early death, giving her years of Happiness. I do believe that one day your spirits will be rejoined.
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Thanks Hazel.
Fingers crossed.
Portia xx
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The heart was made to be broken. 😦
But love is greater than grief. It is. It has to be.
ALL the hugs are for you.
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So true Tiffanie,
Portia xx
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You came into each others lives at exactly the right time and now she is telling you it is the right time for her to go. How unselfish of you to realize that, inspite of the pain it will bring. So often we put things off, knowing that they will be hard. When the vet came to the house to send our Willow-cat across the rainbow bridge, I made the appointment a week ahead too – dreading the moment but cherishing each and every second I spent with her. Each day I thanked her for being with me and told her what was going to happen. She listened and I know she understood as will your Gucci. Gentle hugs to you and Jin, and of course, to the lady herself.
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SallyM,
I told Gucci this morning exactly what was going to happen and why. She tried to jump around like a puppy, even though she can’t breathe or walk properly. It was heartbreaking and sweet at the same time. Like she was so happy that it was nearly over.
Freaked me right out.
Portia xx
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My heart goes out to you dearest Portia. This was a beautiful read. xoxo
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Thanks Carlos.
You’re the best.
Portia xx
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That old saying ‘ better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’ is so innacurrate. The pain of loss is all encompassing. She won’t be suffering the seperation at least.
So sorry you are being separated……for now. Xx
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Susan,
In this time it’s probably a little inaccurate but in a year I will be filled with so much more gratitude than pain. Even now I can see the incredible positives she brought to my life and helped with my personality formation.
I’m sorry too.
Portia xx
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Portia I am so sorry about Gucci. Remember only the happy times and that you both have each other a wonderful life together, no matter how short.
It is hard to say good by, but you are giving Gucci a loving gift one of peace and no more pain, only a gentle dream.
Take care,
Jane
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Thanks Jane.
Portia X
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I wish you both the wonderfullest last few days together! Gucci is absolutely beautiful, and I am glad she’s had such a good life with you!!
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Thanks for your beautiful wish Nemo.
Portia xx
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Portia, I have not read you tribute when i responded to the FB post. Now I have.
Tears streaming down my face.
I had 3 rescued dogs together for just over 10 years. The boys died only 3 weeks apart which was hell… my girl went on for another 18 months before her time came.
The last of them was over a year ago and yet your tribute makes the pain feel like yesterday. Why the hell do we get so attached? Your sorrow at this stage must be agonising. I’m thinking of you.
David.
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Sorry David,
Thank you for dropping in and reading it all.
THREE in 18 months. How did you do it? How could you survive this three times?
You’re amazing.
Portia xx
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Dearest Portia tears and smiles at reading your beautiful and tragic story.
I have 8 pets and last year I had to urgently have one of my mini horses put to sleep because he was dying in front of me I had the pleasure of his company for 13 years and he sired 3 of my minis. My bunny 10 day previous died in my arms.
My heart hurts for you and I know this. When she has passed over she will forever continue to bring a smile, a tear and so much joy for the rest of your life.
Sending you love and big hugs darling xxx
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Thanks Julie. Sorry for your losses.
Portia xx
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Ohh, Portia, I am so so sorry. It’s been almost 7 years since I had to say goodbye to Angus, my big black suck. (He was a Labrador Retriever/Newfoundland cross.) And boy, I still miss him, he was one of a kind.
Many, many condolences.
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Hey Dionne,
Yes, it’s rubbish but it’s also SO worth it. They are amazing.
Great to see you.
Portia xx
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Hugs Portia. I’ve had to do this twice now with beloved cats, and apart from saying goodbye to my father, who has also passed, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. It’s a real head fuck of a thing to have to do, isn’t it? Sending love to you and the beautiful Gucci girl for a peaceful passing xxx
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Oh yes. Head completely & utterly fucked.
Thanks Melita.
Portia xx
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Lots of strength for Jin and you, I hope the vet can come to your home, and if that’s not possible that the last walk together will be peaceful. During the two euthanasia’s of my beloved previous dogs I became very calm. Drinks and tears came later but that is the price we pay for love, and it will pass. And a new fourlegged family member has found her way to our hearts.
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Hi Hamamelis,
No, it will be a slow walk for a last sniff of the world.
Yes, I can imagine going calm, like we do so often in high stress situations. It will be interesting to see how I cope.
Portia xx
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Oh Portia, I’m so sorry to hear this heartbreaking news. Such beautiful words for a life shared so closely. My heart & hugs go out to you this week. Big Love. Ton xx
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Thanks Tonia.
You’re the best.
Portia xx
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Oh Portia, I’m so sorry. What joy and companionship she has brought into your life. Thank you for your moving, meaningful words; I (and I’m sure a great many of us) have been in that situation too, but I’ve never been able to express it so beautifully.
Sending lots of love and compassion; my thoughts are with you and your little girl,
lena xo
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Thanks Lena.
We have been really lucky to get so long with her.
Portia xx
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No matter how many animals we have loved in our lives, saying goodbye to them never gets easier. I know so well how you are feeling right now. (((Portia)))
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Thanks PattyS.
It’s a bummer.
Portia xx
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So sorry to hear this sad news Portia. Gucci could not have had a more loving friend and home. I’m thinking of you at this difficult time darling.
Big hugs
KCV xxxxx
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Thanks KVC,
Can’t stop weeping.
Portia x
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