Story/Joke

Grateful Granny Wins Wireless

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Post by Portia

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The other day I was trolling FaceBook and one of my friends posted this Grateful Granny Wins Wireless story. I know that sometimes life is rough and we all need a good story to cheer us up. Today’s story will hopefully warm you all the way through, it’s a bit like a parable really.

Big squishy hugs across the internet to you all. I’m wearing ridiculous amounts of Knize Ten right now. ALL the leathers, all the time.

Knize Ten Knize FragranticaFragrantica

Fragrantica gives these featured accords:
Top: Petit grain, orange, lemon, rosemary, bergamot
Heart: Cedar, patchouli, sandalwood, rose, iris, carnation, cinnamon, clove
Base: Leather, castor oil, ambergris, musk, moss

Remember to be nice to yourself, it’s hard to be happy when someone’s picking on you all the time.
Portia xx

Grateful Granny Wins Wireless

Grateful Granny Wins Wireless Pixabay

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The Smelliest Surprise: A Tale

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OK APJ,

I do love a good story, and never pass up a fart joke no matter how awful. Yes, I admit it, I love to fart. There you have it. This story could so easily have been Jin & I and as I first read it I felt like I was reading my own writing. The husband could definitely have been Jin, this is such a Jin thing to do……

The Smelliest Surprise A Tale WikiMedia.pngPhoto Stolen WikiMedia

Here we have the story of a loving husbands dinner surprise gone terribly wrong.

Enjoy,

Portia xx

The Smelliest Surprise: A Tale

The Smelliest Surprise

Getting Married In Heaven? A story

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Hello Fumie Friends,

I have a buddy. Her name is Wendy and she’s a really lovely, fun, smart woman. Every week I swing by her place and we go to Trivia together. Her husband has been unwell with one thing or another for decades and nowadays is wheelchair bound, needs twice weekly dialysis and in many ways is dependent on her. Every few days Wendy sends me a funny, mostly they are bits of silliness and I smile and move on. Sometimes they tickle my funny bone. It was Wendy’s birthday recently and though I am pretty sure she doesn’t read the blog I wanted to commemorate the day by putting up one of the stories she sent me.

I hope you like it too.
Portia xx

Getting Married In Heaven?

Wedding In Heaven Daimler_DB18Consort WikiMediaPhoto Stolen WikiMedia

On their way to the church to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

Wedding In Heaven St_Peter_Martyr_ WikiMediaPhoto Stolen WikiMedia

The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of hours.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married?
What with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”

Yet another hour passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

probably about 1475-6Photo Stolen Wikipedia

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 hours to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

Grandma Tells The Truth: A Story

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Hello Lovely APJ Crew,

Here I have a story that will warm the cockles of your heart. I wish all Grandmas were so outrageously outspoken, especially with today’s politicians. Wouldn’t that be something.

Portia xx

Grandma Tells The Truth: A Story

Grandma Tells The Truth The_Old_Lady_and_the_Birds FotoPediaPhoto Stolen FotoPedia

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.

 

The Hypnotist (A Tale)

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The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show-
Claude the Hypnotist!

Hypnotist jedhakuro FlickrPhoto Stolen Romer Jed Medina Flickr

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. “It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations”

Antique Fob watch Kayla Kandzorra FlickrPhoto Stolen Kayla Kandzorra Flickr

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
“Watch the Watch — Deeper and Deeper — Watch the Watch —- Deeper and Deeper — Watch the Watch”

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it’s gleaming surfaces and the oldies glasses back at it.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. “SHIT” said Claude.

A hundred and fifty senior citizens obeyed