Joke

Getting Married In Heaven? A story

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Hello Fumie Friends,

I have a buddy. Her name is Wendy and she’s a really lovely, fun, smart woman. Every week I swing by her place and we go to Trivia together. Her husband has been unwell with one thing or another for decades and nowadays is wheelchair bound, needs twice weekly dialysis and in many ways is dependent on her. Every few days Wendy sends me a funny, mostly they are bits of silliness and I smile and move on. Sometimes they tickle my funny bone. It was Wendy’s birthday recently and though I am pretty sure she doesn’t read the blog I wanted to commemorate the day by putting up one of the stories she sent me.

I hope you like it too.
Portia xx

Getting Married In Heaven?

Wedding In Heaven Daimler_DB18Consort WikiMediaPhoto Stolen WikiMedia

On their way to the church to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

Wedding In Heaven St_Peter_Martyr_ WikiMediaPhoto Stolen WikiMedia

The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of hours.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married?
What with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”

Yet another hour passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

probably about 1475-6Photo Stolen Wikipedia

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 hours to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

Grandma Tells The Truth: A Story

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Hello Lovely APJ Crew,

Here I have a story that will warm the cockles of your heart. I wish all Grandmas were so outrageously outspoken, especially with today’s politicians. Wouldn’t that be something.

Portia xx

Grandma Tells The Truth: A Story

Grandma Tells The Truth The_Old_Lady_and_the_Birds FotoPediaPhoto Stolen FotoPedia

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.

 

The Hypnotist (A Tale)

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The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show-
Claude the Hypnotist!

Hypnotist jedhakuro FlickrPhoto Stolen Romer Jed Medina Flickr

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. “It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations”

Antique Fob watch Kayla Kandzorra FlickrPhoto Stolen Kayla Kandzorra Flickr

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
“Watch the Watch — Deeper and Deeper — Watch the Watch —- Deeper and Deeper — Watch the Watch”

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it’s gleaming surfaces and the oldies glasses back at it.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. “SHIT” said Claude.

A hundred and fifty senior citizens obeyed

THE HORSE WHISPERER (A tale)

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THE HORSE WHISPERER

Winter horses MorgueFile

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, ‘How will I recognize him?’

‘That’s easy; he’s a dwarf with a speech impediment.’

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.

‘A female horth.’

So he shows him a prized filly.

‘Nith lookin horth. Can you lifff me up tho I can thee her eyeth?’

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

‘Nith eyeth, lifff me again tho I can thee her earzth?’

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

‘Nith earzth, liff me so I can thee inthide her mouf?’

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

‘Mmmmmm, nice mouf and teefff, can I see her twat?’

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf’s head up the horse’s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

‘Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?’

.

Hope that gave you a good laugh. I laughed very loudly, excellent joke.
Portia xx

Photo Stolen MorgueFile

Dudley Hugs A Tree

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treehuggerfilmsPhoto Stolen treehuggerfilms

 

Dudley Hugs A Tree

Dudley was walking through the bush, when he came upon a old bearded bloke hugging a magnificent Eucalypt, with his ear firmly against the trunk, moaning softly.

“Just out of curiosity, mate,” he asked, “what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” said the scruffy looking fellow.

“You’ve gotta be kiddin’,” scoffed Dudley.

“No way mate, it’s the most beautiful thing you’ll ever hear,” said the bearded bloke, “Give it a try.”

Dudley was skeptical but curious, so he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
Quick as a flash, the bearded bloke slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet and car keys, stripped him naked, stole his clothes and fled.
Two hours later an enormously muscled and hairy woodsman strolled by and spotted the stark naked Dudley handcuffed to the tree.

“Bloody hell, what happened to you?” he laughed.

With enormous relief Dudley told the bloke the whole terrible saga about how he got there. When Dudley finished telling his story, the woodsman shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and whispered, “This isn’t your day, cupcake…”